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Search Results 0 to 13 of about 14 (some duplicates have been removed)
Comedy Central
Oct 2, 2012 7:00pm PDT
without bankrupting the government is just way too advanced for us regular folks to understand. it's unfathommably complex like string theory. you would have to grasp that the universe is actually 11 coexisted dimensions. eight of which are where romney shelters his wealth. (laughter) just trust him, just trust him. (applause) the middle class is broken down by the side of the road and paul ryan is driving up in a black windowless van and saying get in. (laughter) don't ask where we are we going. it would take him too long to explain. (laughter) just get in. and it puts the lotion on its body. (applause) now folks, either we go with the romney-ryan plan or it's four more years of barack obama. so even obama did get some good economic news. >> these job numbers show that the president has recovered every single job lost on his watch and then some. that makes the president a net job creator. >> stephen: there it is. obama is a net job creator. so congratulations to robert baird, the guy who got the job. (laughter) but millions of americans are still looking for work. particularly low s
Comedy Central
Sep 25, 2012 1:15am PDT
upon government, who believe that they're victims, who believe that government has a responsibility to care for them, who believe that they're entitled to health care, to food, to captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight, new trouble for the romney campaign, get ready for the rafalka sex tape. (laughter) and a major legal victory for apple. but it will be replaced with a faster, slimmer legal victory in six months. (laughter) then, my guest, jeffrey toobin is here to talk about obama's relationship with the supreme court. i hear it's under the robe; over the gavel. (laughter) wal-mart is turning 50 years old. it's finally old enough to be a greeter at itself. (laughter) this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) . >> stephen: whoo! whoo! whoo! come on! (audience chanting "stephen") folks-- (audience chanting "stephen"). (cheers and applause) folks, folks, i've got to tell you, no matter-- sometimes i think the world is a dark cave, but you a
Comedy Central
Sep 26, 2012 1:30am PDT
incumbent president would be at an enormous disadvantage. unless-- >> does the government have a responsibility to provide health care to the 50 million americans who don't have it today? >> well, we do provide care for people who don't have insurance. we pick them up in an ambulance and take them to the hospital and give them care and different states have different ways of providing for that care. (laughter) >> jon: unless-- normally he would be in trouble unless that incumbent president is running against the guy who just appeared to suggest that we don't need to do a health care plan for uninsured americans because we have emergency rooms! (laughter) and, like, they're open all night. (laughter) they're, like, 7-elevens but-- (cheers and applause) now that-- what he just said is an amazing and unappealing to -lsy statement which on its own would perhaps level the field for the incumbent president but apparently leveling the field isn't good enough for massachusetts mitt "up until i was running for president in the republican primary i believed fervently in the exact opposite
Comedy Central
Sep 25, 2012 11:30pm PDT
into one immortal soundbite. >> government is not the solution to our problems; government is the problem. >> stephen: and he went on to prove that over the next eight years. (laughter) folks, modern conservatism means limited government! and the self-evident truth that tax breaks for the wealthy are good for the poor! it's like the old saying. the rich get richer, hooray! (applause) but with this election, those conservative values are being put to the ultimate test. >> if obama wins, let me tell you what it's the end of: the republican party. >> stephen: no surprise. republican parties don't last long once the black guy shows up. (cheers and applause) and to fight for the g.o.p.'s very existence we have chosen mitt romney as our standard bearer. unfortunately, no one can stand or bear him. (laughter) even some conservatives like peggy noonan who cut loose in the "wall street journal" saying "it's time to admit the romney campaign is an incompetent one." now, that sounds harsh but she issued a correction two days later saying, "i called it incompetent, i really meant rolling cala
Comedy Central
Sep 25, 2012 11:15am PDT
who are dependent upon government, who believe that they're victims, who believe government has the responsibility to care for them, who believe that they're entitled to health care, to food, to housing, to you name it. >> stephen: thank you! finally a candidate with the courage to say half of all americans are freeloaders who believe they're entitled to food. (laughter) what do they think, food grows on trees? no! (laughter) we job creators know that there is no such thick as a free lunch! lunch is $50,000 a plate! (laughter and applause) folks-- it's refreshing. it's refreshing! folks, this is not a crisis for romney, this is a triumph! because mitt nailed it! obama supporters are nothing but lazy parasites! get a job! (laughter) folks, it's not just the welfare queens mitt's talking about. get this: the 47% who don't pay federal income tax are mostly elderly, children, and the working poor and u.s. military personnel deployed in war zones who are exempt from paying federal taxes on combat pay. see? romney mentioned the troops in a speech! (laughter) but-- but of course-- (applaus
Comedy Central
Oct 3, 2012 10:30am PDT
pulpit. >> i don't need the government protecting me from speech, i am a mature free-thinking american capable of making my own rational decisions about which candidate my priest said got wants know pick. (laughter) and, folks, it should not stop there, i want my religious leaders to weigh in on everything. judicial races, school board elections, bond issues, the ballot initiative creating a dedicated traffic signal in the left turn lane in front of the arby's because lo having to go all the way down to maple, make a right and then take that round about just to get back to the drive through doth make the angels weep. i mean, can i get an amen? (audience reacts) here to give me another amen-- maybe as good as that one-- is one of the bold leaders of pulpit freedom sunday, a man with the parables and the pair of balls. pastor jim garlow. pastor jim, thanks so much for coming. (cheers and applause) how many years have been doing this? >> this is the fifth year. >> stephen: so you guys have been basically trying to poke the hornet's nest of the i.r.s. for five years so they'll take you to
Comedy Central
Sep 24, 2012 7:10pm PDT
, news happened. oh, and the free masons don't control the world government, right. evidently, in response to an anti-muslim film, riots broke out at american embassies worldwide, most tragically in benghazi, libya, where on september 11th four americans including our ambassador were killed. now our thoughts and prayers go out to the victims and their families. but my rage goes straight at barack obama. you see, his buddies in the press are trying to make this crisis about mitt romney. who on the day of the a attacks courageously vowed not to campaign on 9/11. >> there is a time and place for that. but this day is not that. >> stephen: no. that day was not that. (laughter) turns out, that night was that. jim. >> governor mitt romney just releasing this statement. it's disgraceful that the obama administration's first response was not to condemn attacks on our diplomatic missions but to sympathize with those who waged attacks. >> stephen: how dare obama sympathize with the attackers. he should have stood up against them like mitt romney did by attacking our president. (laughter) no
Search Results 0 to 13 of about 14 (some duplicates have been removed)